this heavily features mariska hargitay and i offer zero apologies.
a quick note that this edition of the long and short of it mentions topics like depression, disordered eating, racism, sexual assault, mass shootings, and abuse.
in january 2021, when i was living in tennessee and felt like the world was imploding, i decided that the thing i needed to do to check out of everything around me was watch every episode of law & order: svu before chris meloni returned to the franchise in april 2021.
(yes, that means i watched somewhere around 480 episodes of television in about three months. i can offer no real explanation other than that i was depressed. i was also in therapy at the time, promise.)
in the fourth episode of the first season, olivia benson solves a case that is 30 years old. and as i’m watching it, i realize i have no idea how old olivia is supposed to be, so i do some googling. sure enough, olivia is supposed to be 31.
32 at the time, i immediately feel a kinship to olivia benson that is new to me (one i still can’t fully explain). out of curiosity, i look up mariska hargitay’s age, sure she must be in her late twenties at the most.
that’s when i discover that television’s longest running female lead on a primetime drama show was 35 when svu started. it’s as if something snaps in my brain—despite what others have been telling me for years, it isn’t until that moment that i really understand that a life-changing moment (whatever that looks like) can come at any point.
i was in the middle of a mental health crisis because i was convinced that i was a failure. 32 and nothing to show for it. that episode placed the first crack in the wall in my brain.
fast forward to last friday and the third episode of gutsy, with hillary and chelsea clinton. the episode focuses on women seeking justice, and features kim kardashian, katrina cooke brownlee, and (you guessed it) mariska hargitay.
hargitay and the clinton women are at a storytelling workshop with the moth (hello, dream), and hargitay shares a story about something that happened when she was 34. i won’t share it because you should watch it, but it drove me to tears. 34 has been an unexpectedly defining year for me, and there were two things she said in the episode (one during the story she shares, and one before) that i can’t stop thinking about.
“and i realized that i was alive. and that i didn’t carry the karma of the past. and, my life began.”
“i used to think that everyone was better than me, and now i know what i bring to the table.”
i spent a long time feeling like both too much, and not enough. i’ve carried that feeling and some of the things that happened to me as i was growing up with me for a long time. and now (again), this woman i don’t know has chiseled a crack into the concrete wall i’ve built around myself. so if nothing else, here’s to that.
what i’m listening to.
glennon doyle’s podcast, we can do hard things, was great this week. glennon, abby, and amanda (glennon’s sister) talked with dr. becky kennedy about re-parenting yourself. both glennon and dr. becky shared about their experience with disordered eating, and i talked a little about that part of the episode on this twitter thread.
both of meghan trainor’s recent songs are incredible. she released bad for me (feat. teddy swims) in august, and don’t i make it look easy last week.
how many times is too many times to listen to 2 be loved (am i ready?) by lizzo? i don’t care, tbh.
what i’m watching.
this episode of last week tonight with john oliver is all about law & order and (as the person who i saw share it on twitter said): no lies were told. for nearly 30 minutes, oliver looks at the impact that law & order has had on how people perceive the legal system. it’s an important critique of the franchise in general, and looks closely at how different the real nypd sex crimes unit is from the one on law & order: svu. oliver does a great job at giving credit where it’s due (to mariska hargitay, for example, for starting the joyful heart foundation and doing work to advocate for survivors in real life) while also pointing out that the law & order franchise is, at it’s core, “an ad for a defective product.”
i watched the emmy’s on monday, which i haven’t done in ages. was it initially because of mariska hargitay and chris meloni? i mean, yes. but the best thing to come out of the emmy’s had to be this speech from sheryl lee ralph after winning best supporting actress in a comedy series for her performance as barbara howard in abbott elementary. this was the first time sheryl lee ralph was nominated for an emmy after 40 years in the industry so her win was well-deserved. (abbott elementary’s creator quinta brunson also won an emmy for best writing for a comedy series!)
i talked a little about this earlier, but i’m working my way through gutsy with hillary clinton and chelsea clinton on appletv+. women, you know? they’re fucking incredible.
also on appletv+, central park is back! i am deeply invested in this animated show. i love the songs, the characters, the actors—it’s so well done, and i’m excited to see what they do with this season.
disney released the trailer for the live-action the little mermaid this week. as someone who spent an exorbitant amount of time pretending to be ariel as a child (those videos are buried, thank you very much), i’m thrilled they’re doing a live-action version. i’m also thrilled halle bailey will be playing ariel. her voice is gorgeous, and she’ll be amazing. there’s been some controversy about this online (because we white people like to pretend we own everything), but ariel is a mermaid and she’s for everyone. plus, you’re telling me these videos of young black girls realizing ariel looks like them don’t drive you to tears? okay sure.
what i’m reading.
angie maxwell, a professor from fayetteville, arkansas, wrote a twitter thread about the mass shooting at the washington county fair in fayetteville. she was there with her daughter and three other 12-year-old girls. it’s a powerful thread about the trauma that comes from running during a mass shooting. it’s a must-read.
a group of middle school boys in north kingstown, rhode island, kept track of every time their male teacher made the girls in their class uncomfortable. it started because adults weren’t listening to them and they wanted to have a record, just in case. now their “pedo database” is being used as evidence in the internal investigation against the teacher. gen z is not letting this kind of shit go, and i’m here for it.
incase you missed it, the owner of patagonia gave the company away so that its profits could help combat climate change. what an incredible example of how to use your money to help the world around you.
this week i’m finishing human heartbeat detected by chelsey clammer. this essay collection is beautifully written, and really strips down what happens when you experience trauma. (it’s not for the faint of heart, either. there are several pieces where i had to stop reading for a bit because they were potentially triggering for me.) it’s a really powerful look at mental health, abuse, and so many of the hidden things that all of us (and women especially) go through.
a little writing.
neither of these pieces of mine are new, but they popped up in a couple of places this week:
what chadwick boseman teaches us about strength and art, which was shared by chill subs as part of their weekly “promorando.”
i don’t need your obesity psa. or your fat joke., which i shared as part of my twitter thread about disordered eating.
a couple of other things.
the year of the monster, which i mentioned in a previous newsletter, comes out in just 13 days. it’s one of my favorite collections i’ve read this year. have you ordered your copy yet?
i started therapy last week (everyone should go to therapy, at least once), and my therapist began talking me through the internal family systems theory (which was, quite coincidentally, also mentioned by dr. becky on the we can do hard things podcast i mentioned above). the way i’ve processed things suddenly makes a whole lot more sense to me.
may your coming week bring you joy (and may the several planets in retrograde not destroy you).
love you 3000.
— mb.